My heart + mind has been going deeper into the thought from the weekly autumn journal focus on Layer and Leaves. 

More specifically I’ve been looking at what it means to trust God with our seasons/ or a particular layer of our life. I can see how much I’ve grown over the years in this area which was often a huge struggle for me.

Don’t get me wrong I can definitely still have my moments but for the most part, I have a deep trust that God is holding my days and seasons in his hand working all things for my good. 

So when I was thinking about the layers of life and what that means…for me personally this focus took me past thinking about the word layer being exchanged for the word season.  In one of recent episodes I talked about how each layer invited me into another level of living and creativity…basically an invitation to being who I was created to be. I shared how each season pulled out or gave me the invitation and opportunity to another aspect or going deeper into an aspect of how God made me.

So it got me thinking about us trusting God with our seasons. Something I would say more confidently in the last decade that I able to do to a much greater degree. And the more I thought about this…things started coming to my mind. One thing was pretty recent. I was attempting to organize my art room and I picked up a stack of canvas boards and when I say a stack I I mean anywhere from 10 to 15 boards. And there was more than one stack. And it had been a while since I had actually viewed them so I was quickly looking through them and I started feeling such strong emotion I moved through the pieces.  I don’t even know how to articulate it or explain it because it was something I didn’t fully understand and I actually took some time to write it down in my journal because I knew it was something I needed to process and look at.  One of the things I wrote down that day about this experience was “I felt the urge to look away…like I couldn’t or didn’t want to take in the strong emotion I was experiencing going through the art pieces.  And just so you know …this isn’t the first time I have had this happen..there’s a reason there are stacks of unseen art in my studio.

So why is that ??  I wrote the word WHY with several question marks on my page…

As the days passed…and I continued to pray and process …I remembered how maybe 15 or 20 years ago I had this same experience in another area of my life.  I can remember sitting at a coffee shop with someone and her talking to me about me singing and leading worship which I had done most of my life. And I said out loud something I had felt in my heart for a long time… I had a fear of really letting go of control and leading in worship in a greater way because I was afraid of where it might take me.  I want to clarify a little because I know many of you listening come from different faith backgrounds and words can mean different things. 

I’ve used the word worship in the context of music and singing because that’s what it meant in the conversation I just shared. I understand and fully believe and embrace the fact that worship means so much more than music and a song.

Which I think was and is the answer to the question of WHY?? I wrote out in my journal that day.

We were designed and created to worship God with all that we are. Every cell in our body yearns to express and image the one that created, formed, and breathed life into our being.

We were made to worship.

You were made to worship.

And that worship is not talking about a song but your life.

Your Life is the song

That is longing to be sung.

So what was causing this emotion and urge to look away that day?

Fear of fully expressing who God made me to be.

Fear of judgment on that expression.

Fear around letting go of my trying to control how that expression is received.

Fear that I’m too much because I feel too much to myself a lot of times.

So I felt kind of called out… 

Called out by my creator saying I trust him with my seasons and the layers of my life. When the seasons are made up the layer of callings and invitations to go deeper that don’t come with a detailed road map

They come with the simple and profound and life-changing invitation of “follow me”

Another thing that came to my mind was a conversation with a friend when I first met my husband Ron…

When I got back to the dorm that Fall night in 1986 and told my roommates and friends that I just met the guy I was going to marry, they believed me. They believed me because they had seen me hang out with many guys and never had I even had that thought. I’m pretty sure they could see in my eyes and hear it in my voice. There’s a longer story to tell about us actually seeing each other for the first time and our first interaction but I’ll just stop at “I had no doubt in my mind that I had met who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with”

The next few weeks were filled with nonstop hanging out and it was obvious he felt the same way about me but we weren’t having any major kind of conversation about us being a thing. And I remember walking along the sidewalk of the campus with one of my best friends and I don’t remember exactly what I said but do remember what she said so I’m guessing I was saying something about wanting something to be said about where things were going.  And my friend said to me …enjoy this time. You will never be in this stage again so have fun and don’t try and figure everything out…just enjoy where you at in this moment. Basically saying, “Trust and enjoy the process” and I laughed and admitted how hard that was but I knew she was right” 

It was a beautiful moment and season and my overthinking and wanting to control timing and outcomes would make me miss the beauty of all that moment was offering me.

So I’m throwing these questions out to you today…

Do you trust God?

Not only an overall trusting with our seasons

But are you trusting him with all that he has deposited in you?   

Maybe it’s gifts and fruit you haven’t even seen because you haven’t allowed room for the growth. 

You’re comfortable with the way your tree looks and are holding on to the leaves that are ready and MADE AND DESIGNED to fall away

So that the new can come forth.

Beautiful new growth 

That only comes from us opening our hearts and hands

And letting go to receive.

Letting go can be scary

We don’t usually see the new immediately 

But that doesn’t mean there’s not good in the scary and the hard.

Let’s not waste our moments in fear of trying to figure it all out.

God’s ways our not our ways

And that’s a good thing 

That we can place our hope and trust in.