S4 E7: Stop Doing This 1 Thing and See Immediate Results in Your Marriage

Hi everyone! We finished up the SHE is Sping series in the last episode and by the time you listen to this we should “officially be in SUMMER” 

I’ve loved hearing your takeaways from these episodes and if you haven’t had a chance to listen I hope you’ll take some time to catch up. By the way, if you haven’t reached out and said hi and shared a thought or maybe a question you would like to ask. You can do that a few different ways...you can shoot me DM on Instagram at susanbmorris or email me at susan@susanbeth.com. 

SOOO...I’ve gone back and forth on recording this episode in light a of few high profile divorce announcements in the past week or so. The intention of this conversation around marriage is in no way to cast judgments on any particular couple’s marriage instead the intention is to speak to those of you in marriages today or those of you that hope to marry in the future. Marriage is no joke friends and if you’re open and ready to hear some of my thoughts on this topic…. HERE WE GO>>>>>

Those of you in my local faith community that hear me speak and share my heart know this is something I mention quite frequently. I actually made a comment about marriage at our last gathering and per usual after service I had someone ask me a clarifying question because it is so hard for us to wrap our heads around that people can love each other, stay married, be a leader in the church and admit that marriage is freaking hard! I can see it in their eyes.  it’s hard for them to hear me talk about it. Like I’m popping the sacred love balloon right in front of their eyes. You would think all the married people would feel relieved for some honesty, but it’s like we’re all still holding out hope for that perfect arrival of love that is all beauty and no struggle. 

I get it I used to live in that space. And if you’re listening to this and you can’t relate to anything I’m saying God bless you. Press stop and feel free to move on. Thanks for stopping by. Hopefully, the next episode will have something for you.

But I can’t NOT speak up for fear of being misunderstood. There’s too much at stake to play it safe around this topic.

While I don’t want to talk about the high profile couples that recently announced they are divorcing I do want to talk about a lot of the responses people are having after learning the news.

The response that was the hardest for me to read that I actually saw from many people were “ if so and so can’t make it does my marriage have any hope?”

One said I’m engaged and this news is actually making me rethink my wedding?!?

Which leads me to the ONE thing you can do TODAY to improve YOUR marriage…

STOP COMPARING YOUR MARRIAGE TO ANYONE ELSE’S!

There was one response that i loved and it was from a woman that said after seeing the divorce announcement post from a couple that she had looked at as #relationshipgoals she went and apologized to her husband.

For putting certain expectations on him and areas of their marriage that this well-known couple talked about excelling in.

Guys what she did is so huge and is exactly the point I’m trying to make.

This thing of looking at other couples and bringing in the highlight real of what they choose to show us is A NEVER ENDING merry go around for your marriage that is not productive and you need to make the decision TODAY to get off the ride.

I’ve mentioned the recent high profile breakups but it’s not just those people that are affecting how we are showing up in our marriages. It’s all of the other couples that show up in our news feed.

Again this is me sharing from my personal experience, I am well aware that all of our stores are different and there are unique circumstances that play a factor is any relationship. I’m not here to judge any past decision or contribute in any way to someone feeling shame or failure.  That is not the intention of my heart at all in this conversation. My heart is to speak honestly to the hardness of marriage is a constructive way to bring hope. This might just be my opinion but I feel the majority of talk about things being hard is done from a negative spouse bashing stance and the typical marriage jokes. Which has always been a pet peeve of mine. 

So this is honesty about the hard from someone that has been married for over 30 years and realize MANY can look at that and say “WOW they really must have been made for each other”

I often say that “ 2 individuals becoming one” doesn’t happen in a wedding ceremony.  I’ve heard several people use the term “brutiful” which I think is a perfect way to describe this process. It can sometimes feel as equally brutal as it is beautiful.

That’s what I think can be so hard and misleading for men and women. From a young age real love has been so romanticized that we question if what we have is real when it doesn’t resemble the scenes in our favorite love story.

Another big piece of this marriage puzzle is we are ALL wired differently. So even as I’m sharing you might be thinking you don’t relate to that. And you would be right. You don’t because you don’t think and feel like me. Your love language might be completely different than mine.  So that becomes tricky when we find ourselves comparing our marriage to someone else’s.

That’s 4 different personalities and 4 different life childhood experiences, and so on so to even start to compare sets us up to be misled and frustrated.

I know I’ve been guilty of hearing someone else say something about their spouse or marriage and thinking “I wish my husband was like that or did that” and if I was really honest and took the time to process it all out ( which is what I eventually did later in our marriage) I totally did not want my husband to be like or do what this person was talking about!

It just sounded all perfect and easy and nice, but it didn’t fit who I was and it went again what attracted me to my husband in the first place. So sometimes you have to take a really honest look at who you are and who your spouse is and what marriage looks life for you. And that might look totally different than how your parents’ marriage looked and operated or your best friend’s marriage. Stop the comparison and let God help you have the marriage that is the absolute best for you and your partner.

If this is an area you would love to delve into deeper be on the lookout for a course I have been working on around IDENTITY. It’s all discovering and understanding Who we are in Christ, who we are as an individual and how to live that our in our world and relationships to live the life that God planned for us from the beginning.

I talk a lot about seasons and marriage is one of the most important areas for us to recognize how big a part the seasons of life play.  

Through the years one thing I’ve noticed when I’ve heard Mothers talk about how their marriage isn’t working and they are ready to walk away is that most of the Moms have a totally different response when dealing with the other members of their immediate family (meaning their children)

They are dealing with attitudes and misunderstandings with their kids, having trouble communicating and speaking each other’s language..having to discover and realize that no 2 kids you give birth to are the same and it can seem you are constantly starting over and learning how to do this parenthood thing...it’s exhausting, physically, mentally and emotionally.

And every season of parenthood looks different (with each kid haha)

There were seasons for my own mother that always loved me well... where she didn’t like me.  God bless her and all the sleep she missed because of me. But that was certain seasons. There are many more seasons that I’ve considered my Mother my best friend. 

Even though I’m sure in my teenage years the thought of life without me and having some peace might have flickered through her mind, but there’s no doubt to me that she would even entertain that thought for more than the amount of time it took for her to have it.

I was her kid. She loved me. She was committed to me through the good, bad, and the ugly. We are a family.

I wonder why we sometimes don’t have this same commitment in our marriages. 

I’m not talking about overlooking any type of abuse here! But I am talking about hearing reasons for ending a marriage that are the exact same issues we wouldn’t think of ending a relationship with our child over.

Every relationship goes through seasons. And just like the natural seasons and rhythms of life, there are things we love and things we endure in every season.

I heard someone recently say if you want to see the areas you need to grow in in your life look at your spouse!  Did you hear that?!?

If you had told me that the first several years of marriage I couldn’t have even heard it! I was so right on everything and everything would be perfect if I could fix everything that needed fixing with my husband.

How foolish I was. How much energy I wasted focused on what he needed to do when all of the while it was me that I needed to focus on.

My first 2 kids are girls and my last 3 are boys. What’s interesting is as my boys got older it totally changed my relationship with my husband.

Here’s why… all of my boys are different from each other, but I see specific characteristics of Ron in each of them. 

It hit me one day that some of those characteristics are the same characteristics that have been a struggle for me in our marriage. 

This goes back to what I was talking about before...because they didn’t seem like a negative when I saw them in my sons. I understood that to be how they are wired.  It’s like I flashed forward in my mind and could see their wives assuming things about how they felt because of how she perceived their actions.  Her being frustrating with them and dragging them into this repeated cycle of hurt and misunderstanding and all the while crushing their spirits and questioning their worth.

It brings tears to my eyes even today because I saw my husband so clearly in my sons and to think some woman would misjudge their intentions and love because of how they are wired broke my heart. I never questioned the love my sons have for me. I didn’t take things personally when they interacted with me differently than I would. I got it because I got them. They are my kids. We’ve lived through many seasons.  I showed up as Mom and who I am in their life and loved the person they were to show up in my life. 

Something shifted in me when I saw this. I became a better wife. The kind of wife I pray my boys are blessed to have. Wives that build them up with their words instead of using words that always make them feel they aren’t measuring up.

Wives that love them in their strength and add their strength to their weakness. That’s becoming one. When you move through life in such a way that it’s almost like a dance. It really is a mystery how this sacred union works. That on the days I’ve felt hopeless my husband has been the one to speak words of life over me. And there were many days I didn’t necessarily hear words he just kept moving ahead when I wasn’t able too. And he would say I’ve done the same for him.

So what’s the one thing you can do today to see immediate results in your marriage.  Stop comparing your marriage to anyone else’s marriage!

I really believe if we will put on blinders and look to and allow God to show up in our marriages. He will show up and do abundantly above all that we could ever ask or even imagine…

He’s creative like that :)